As a mom of a very sick baby, I remember praying that the preliminary diagnosis of Juvenile Arthritis wasn't right. Please don't let it be arthritis. It's lifelong, it's painful, it's a shorter lifespan, it means chemotherapy, it... Basically, I was just begging for my baby not to have arthritis.
That was until the doctor came in the room with an unusually somber tone and said "I think I may have misdiagnosed Miss E. She presents exactly like another patient and we just learned that he has Leukemia. I think Miss E has Leukemia and I'm running some tests." I'm sure there was more discussion, but I couldn't tell you what it was. My mom and I sat in silence and disbelief as the uber perky hospital social worker came in and said that she had heard we had bad news. I didn't even realize it was news yet; I was under the impression that it was still speculation.
It hit me: shit, I should have been more specific!
Now, I realize that God is not like a vending machine where you can make your prayer selection and watch it appear. When your entire world has just been sucked into a black hole however, logic is beyond your grasp. After what was the longest seven days of my life, we got the results back and were once again able to breathe. Sort of.
My initial unanswered prayer turned out to be better than the alternative. It's what we learned in elementary school: be careful what you wish for. Don't get me wrong, I'm still praying against JA - but now I pray for no pain, for meds to work, and for remission. I don't know why kids have to get sick and I wish they didn't, but sometimes you just do the best you can.
As we were making the four hour roundtrip drive today to see one of Miss E's specialists, I had some time to reflect...in between the outbursts of amazement at Harry Potter coming from the back seat, that is.
I have made this drive countless times; it's rote memory. I was thinking of the first time we made this drive after moving here when Miss E was three, and how anxious I was to meet this new Pediatric Rheumatologist. I was praying that he or she would be 30ish. Relatively young and ready to try all the new treatments that are available, but not so young that I had to teach him about my child's illness. In our previous experience, the 50-something doctor was pretty set in her ways and preferred to 'wait and see' rather than treating aggressively, which lead to a number of problems.
Clearly God hadn't realized the seriousness of my request, because the door opened and in walked a 50-something gentleman wearing a bowtie. Huh.
The instant we met Dr. J, however, every fear I had was laid to rest and I knew that we were exactly where we needed to be. His many years of experience and research were a huge asset, as was his Kermit the Frog puppet and the fact that he could do the voice! Miss E loved him instantly. We all did.
Five and half years later, although Dr. J has since moved out of state, I still thank God for that unanswered prayer. The aggressive treatment that Miss E received under his care is the very reason she does not have irreparable damage to both knees and ankles, and the reason she is able to be an active third grader with no indication to others that she has JA.
I think God does answer prayers. I think it's up to us to be willing to see past our own wishes to recognize those answers.